"Jag är min egen son." -Radam Smetenskij
Radam Smetenskij, also known under the name GÜISS⦻N by his religious followers and in North Korea as "Güi-SS⦻n Yang" (7 January 806 - 28 May 2008, 13 June 1534 - 13 June 1534, 19 May 2013-), is a Human-Goat-Trandoshan hybrid and Koung of Storsvenska Riket av Arisk Nation.
He also holds the title of Högsta Administratör in Storsvenska Riket, and is the Soviet Union's ambassador to North Korea. He created the province of Northwest Europe and served as Governor from 1949 to 2013.
During World War II he was the Captain of the Third Dodo Company of the Red Armada. Radam is a Political Commissar. He's been loyal to the Boss for several years and is an original member of the Party.
Styrkans möstare (certified)
- "Fanfiction as it should be." -Radam about this section
Born on the planet Ord Radama near Sith Space, the Force had greater plans for the little infant. Under mysterious circumstances he ended up in another dimension, in Easthammer, Sweden on Tellus. He was raised by the vikings and trained into a great warrior that the Force flowed through like a current. When he had come of age he swam through the 1°C icy water to the neighboring city of Eargrund to find a master to work for. He was directed to Castle Kavaröbridgeway outside the city where the mighty Viking lord Lusk lived. He quickly befriended Lusk (by using a Charm-spell and bribing Lusk with gold, which he later pickpocketed back) and soon became his right hand in his quest to conquer the world.
Waging war under LuskEdit
Radam served Lusk and his Storsvenska Rike faithfully for the next millennia, throughout countless battles and conflicts including the War against Temeria which ended with an everlasting peace treaty being signed by the two empires.
Duel for control of EasthammerEdit
For his faithful service, Lusk awarded Radam with the title of eternal mayor of his home city of Easthammer in 1454. When staying in Easthammer during a break from war in the year 1627, he got into a conflict with Baron Drygo from the Castle district. Drygo insisted that the Castle district, which was nearly as big as the rest of Easthammer, should secede from the city and become its own city. Mayor Radam refused to comply, so Drygo challenged him to a duel to settle the matter, in which he would "press his suit at an end of a sword". The stakes were set; the winner of the duel would be the unprecedented ruler of Easthammer City.A lengthy duel started in the Easthammer square. Both combatants, clad in robust armor and wielding deadly blades, lunged at each other ferociously. Drygo was sporting a hard-hitting enchanted broadsword with constant flames emanating from it. Radam wielded a vibrosword far lighter and with less punch, but faster and with more cutting power than Drygo's blade. Radam forced Drygo towards Castle district, avoiding his superior strikes and making use of his speed for quick jabs and shoves at his enemy. The Baron's castle could be seen only a few blocks away now, and epic music from Game of Thrones accompanied the duel. Passing a bakery, Radam miscalculated a feint and Drygo delivered a vicious kick in his chest that sent him flying through the front door. Moments later Radam exited and charged at Phil, continuing the duel.
The fight had soon reached the Easthammer harbor and Radam had become much more defensive while Drygo was now leading the duel. Onlookers remarked that Radam looked more sluggish than before. Cornered in a dead-end alley, Radam revealed why. As Drygo was about to end his life with one mighty swing, Radam brought out a flour package and threw at Drygo. Drygo instinctively raised his blade, cutting the package in two in mid-air before the flames of his blade reacted with the flour and filled the air with blinding dust. Drygo quickly swung his blade forward, but Radam wasn't there anymore. Hearing a rustling sound behind him, he turned and readied himself as he tried to gaze through the cloud of flour. Suddenly millions of white crystals burst from the fog and assaulted his eyes. Momentarily stunned from the sugar, Radam lashed at Drygo and forced him to the ground.
Believing Drygo to be beaten, Radam pointed his sword at Drygo's throat and lowered himself to exclaim that the Baron was beaten. Drygo made a fiendish smile before Radam fell to the ground in pain, surprised by the sudden knife stab in his leg. Drygo picked up his sword and raised it to finish the mayor off, but Radam dodged the blow and was quickly on his feet again with his vibrosword drawn. They exchanged a few swings before coming to a dead lock, where they pushed for a few seconds. Then they both gave away, stepped back and sheathed their swords before laughing. The duel was the best both of them had ever had, and they were incredibly impressed by each other which created a deep respect between them. Radam promoted the Castle district to become a full-fledged city, Castle City, with Baron Drygo as city mayor for life. But Drygo did not wish to secede from Easthammer, so it was decided that while Castle City was to be treated as its own autonomic city, it would still remain in a unified city by the name Easthammer City. Radam and Drygo's friendship led to the co-creation of the medical company ProfDoc, which would flourish for many centuries to come. Radam also received the nickname "Socker-Lootarn" because of the sugar he took in the bakery to stun Drygo with.
Exile from Storsvenska RiketEdit
When the Storsvenska Riket collapsed in the 1700-century, Radam pleaded for Lusk to fight for the Rikes survival. But Lusk, who had gone into deep depression, didn't want to hear and ordered Radam away. Radam tried several times to persuade Lusk to take action, and eventually Lusk threatened Radam that he would "slit his throat with his little finger" if he didn't go away. Radam then angrily replied that he would "go to Kavaröbridgeway and hang him". Furious, Lusk ordered Radam's termination, which made Radam flee Upland and travel south. Lusk quickly changed his mind and wished Radam back, but it was too late - Radam had already fled down to Germany. Due to the epic failure of losing his right hand, Lusk let out an enormous sigh and went into über-depression mode. He sat down in his throne and facepalmed, and stayed in that position for 300+ years.
Radam hoped to find his way to Emperor Niko Bendoak of the Temerian Empire, to make him talk sense into Lusk. The former Supreme Commander of the Storsvenska trupperna encountered problems in continental Europe, however. After the collapse of the Empire, the region was filled with everlasting conflict. King Friedrich I of Prussia recognized Radam and tried to hunt him down, as the hate for the Storsvenska Riket was great. Radam survived several ambushes however, and fled west to France. He tried to stay clear of the authorities, but was betrayed by a couple of greedy tramps. When Louis XIV, "the sun king" of France heard that Radam was in his kingdom, he saw his death as a great propaganda victory - the public death of the second highest ranking member of the Storsvenska Riket, which had until recently controlled France among other countries. He ordered the whole French army on Radam's tail, forcing Radam to quickly make his way north and towards the North Sea. He killed thousands of French soldiers on the way, but eventually made his way into the Dutch Republic through Belgium.
There he considered to take a boat and leave Europe, but his plans were cut short when the English attacked. Thinking of taking advantage of the chaos in continental Europe, England sent an invasion army to conquer the Dutch Republic. Radam decided to help the Dutch against the English, and united the disjointed Dutch into a strong, organized army. Defeating three English waves over the course of a week in the city of IJmuiden, the Dutch managed to send the invasion army fleeing back to England. The Dutch saw Radam as a hero, and named him the "son of God", or GÜISS⦻N. Later that night, when the Dutch held a feast in Radam's honor, the ground around Radam started shining and sparks began flying. After a flash of light, Radam was gone. The Dutch then wrote down the prophecy of GÜISS⦻N in where Radam would return and protect the region against capitalism forever.
Return to the RepublicEdit
When the light had stopped, Radam found himself in an ancient Jedi ruin on Ord Radama. Radam hitched a ride to the galactic capital Coruscant where he learned that the socialist Galactic Republic ruled the galaxy in relative peace. But crime syndicates still ravaged the Outer Rim, and inter-species tensions sometimes arose even in the Core worlds. Radam was convinced that even though the situation was good, things could be better and so he visited the Galactic Senate and introduced them to Stalinism, the purest form of socialism. The whole Republic embraced the idea and unanimously voted Smetenskij Supreme Chancellor for life. He was then contacted by the Jedi Council who wanted to meet him. The Council invited Radam to join the Jedi Order due to his extremely strong connection to the light side of the Force. Radam accepted and gladly shared his own communist view of the Force to the members of the Order.
After 212 years of Radam's prosperous reign, the Republic encompassed the whole known galaxy and had mapped more than half of the Unknown Regions and was starting to plan expeditions to outside the galaxy. Its military and navy was present in every system and the economy prospered. Everyone's opinions were heard in the Senate and corruption was completely unheard of. The Hutts, who had previously been tyrannical crime lords ruling vast areas of space were now legal businessmen making sure the economy was intact and that everyone got a share fair of the riches of the Republic. Radam had risen to Grand Master of the Jedi Order and the dark side was all but vanquished.
Then one day, an unknown vessel appeared on the fringes of space, near Naos. Radam had a diplomatic envoy meet the mysterious ship and escort them to Coruscant. Waiting on a landing pad, Radam watched as a man in green uniform exited the ship, flanked by two enormous men in red armor. The man had the most awesome mustache Radam had ever witnessed. The man presented himself as Josef Stalin, the leader of the Soviet Union, and congratulated Radam on the work he had done in this galaxy. However, he stressed that the battle against the evils of capitalism went on elsewhere, most importantly in Radam's home galaxy. He told Radam that the goal of the Soviet Union was the elimination of capitalism everywhere, and explained that the Union constantly recruited communist factions from across the universe into the Alliance of Good to fight capitalism, such as the Space Marines from the Imperium of Man that was accompanying him. Stalin asked the Galactic Republic to join the cause, as well as offering Radam a job in the Union itself. Both the Galactic Senate and Radam accepted the deals, and Stalin smiled with satisfaction and congratulated his newest employee before putting him in stasis.
This section of the article assumes that the player chooses only "dark side" options in the course of the game. Note: The events in this section may or may not be confirmed as canon.
When asked about the job, Radam chose to decline. Stalin waited for Radam to accept, but Radam refused to do so. Disappointed, Stalin stripped Radam of his powers and weapons and teleported him to a room filled with capitalist mutants super-powered by greed and said "Well, it looks like we wont be working together. No regrets, Mr. Smetenskij."
STATUS: OBSERVATION TERMINATED POSTMORTE
SUBJECT DECLINED OFFER OF EMPLOYMENT
Assumption ends here.
In 1939, after having been in stasis for 21 years, Stalin awoke Radam on a train in eastern Europe. Stalin informed Radam that Adolpheus Hitter, a former loyal general under Lusk, had gone mad and started a bloody conquest of Europe. He ordered Radam to hurry north and join his old Koung for the upcoming conflict. The reunion was a happy one and Lusk instantly made Radam a General in the Storsvenska Rike again.
In May 1941, he conducted a special mission into German territory which went wrong and led to his capture at the hands of the Nazi bounty hunter droid IG-88. German minister of propaganda Joseph Goebbels then turned Radam into a Nazi slave after overloading his Aryan genes with his propaganda and installing IG-88's memory core in Radam's head.
Working for HitlerEdit
For the next 16 months, Radam worked against Storsvenska Riket and the Soviet Union. His first mission was to call Stalin for help, in order to initiate the first phase of Operation Barbarossa. Continued...
Radam combined the best soldiers from Storsvenska Riket that he could find and a company from the Red Army to form the Third Dodo Company, which would end up becoming one of the most feared Soviet army companies during the war. The Company saw many victories in western Europe when freeing Europe from der Grossdeutschen Reich's terror, making Radam very popular. Radam received an especially warm welcome after the liberation of the Netherlands, as the Dutch still revered him as the saviour Güiss⦻n.
After Hitter had been defeated, the Americans launched a full-scale invasion in an attempt to conquer the broken European countries. Europe suffered enormous casulties and hideous experiments by the American invaders, but refused to stop fighting. Western Europe suffered among the worst in this second part of the war, and once more Radam led the forces who liberated the region. Eventually the Soviets pushed the Americans out of Europe and won the war. All European countries now realized the threat of western capitalism and joined the Soviet Union for protection. Having saved the Netherlands three times, Radam was officially declared Güiss⦻n and democratically elected governor (locally known as Baron Administrator) for life. The countries nearby the Netherlands were all organized along with the Netherlands into the Northwestern European Province of the Glorious Soviet Union, led by Baron Administrator Radam Smetenskij.
While not serving directly under Lusk after the merging of the Storsvenska Riket and the Soviet Union, Radam maintained close ties to his old friend Lusk while living in the Northwestern capital of Dronten, and the two governor's provinces worked closely together to uphold the order of Communism.
Time travel and deathEdit
- Full article: Bane of Brechin
After a verbal battle with Lusk in 2008, Radam decided to travel back in time to 1534 in order take revenge on Lusk. He co-created the Bane of Brechin to attack Lusk, but lost control of the monster. In the chaos he accidently killed his past self, which led him to clone himself and send the clone into the future to take his place. He then committed suicide to fix the space-time continuum.
The assassination of LuskEdit
In October 2012, Lusk was assassinated after a heated argument between the Swedish Koung and Smetenskij's clone. Storsvenska Riket passed to Radam by law, as Lusk had no heirs. The Soviet investigation into the murder never found the perpetrator, although many Soviet citizens believed Radam's clone was behind the murder. Radam's clone held several press conferences where he assured the people of the Soviet Union that he was innocent.
Main article: 2013 Easthammer sinkhole disaster
In March 2013, Radam's clone disappeared into a large sinkhole and despite help from Stalin, he could not be found. Since this wasn't the first time the clone or his namesake had disappeared, he was never declared dead by the Party. This didn't stopped others from declaring him dead, however. The Cult of GÜISS⦻N declared the day of his disappearance Judgement Day and started organizing religious rituals. Most of his dominions had new leaders appointed in his absense.
- Main article: Radam Wars
Ra's al Ghul resurrected Radam mere days after his death in 1534, which turned him completely insane. Using the Force he time travelled to 2013 to kill his clone. This battle is known as the Radam Wars.
Usurping Storsvenska RiketEdit
- Main article: Steam Trading Card Crisis
After having endured the Radam Wars, capitalism fell on the Soviet Union and threatened to destroy it. Radam heard that Lusk had turned to the dark side and left for Storsvenska Riket despite his injuries and exhaustion. Armed only with a lighsaber, he battled Lusk in Jönköping and defeated him using his wit. Lusk was destroyed after the battle, making Radam dictator by law. Radam made his way to the Reichstag in Stockholm and not only installed himself as dictator in front of the politicians, but also declared himself Koung av Storsvenska Riket and Emperor of the Storsvenska Rike, titles reserved only to Lusk.
Following this, Radam infiltrated USA and killed Gaben in a skirmish in the latter's mansion. With Gaben dead, the plague of capitalism stopped spreading in Europe and Soviet authorities could take care of the rioting capitalists, some provinces faster than others. After Putin's East Europe province, no province cleaned up the capitalist mess as fast and efficient as Radam's Storsvenska Riket. Radam now ruled the Rike with an iron fist, and was celebrated by the Swedish people as a hero and saviour. Not long after having secured his reich, Radam started a great purge to weed out the weaklings so that a catastrophe like this could never happen in the future.
Personality and traitsEdit
- "Jag tycker inte om såna där sociala saker."
- -Radam Smetenskij
Radam is a proud Grammar Commissar that constantly tries to make the world better by liquidating misspellings peacefully. Great Germany instead deploys Grammar Nazis to enforce correct grammar according to their code of perfection, and they use deadly force to rid the world of misspellings. Fortunately, Radam treats them as dangerous war criminals and liquidates them.
Radam is known for his dislike of "social stuff". It is believed this fear of socialising at LAN parties or lasergame events was caused by an incident with the infamous Rockstar Games Social Club.
In recent years, Radam came out of the closet and revealed himself to be a homosexual Jewish dwarf.
- "Det som gör låten så jävla bra ä- Korvgiftets hämnd....!=!?" -Dr. Deaval, upon seeing Radam's desktop icons
- "Är du dum i huvudet eller? Tror du inte folk ser att du skriver kommentarer på dina egna videos? Wtf?" -Dr. Spaik007 efter att ha bevittnat Smetenskij på Youtube
Several doctors have claimed that Radam is insane and needs medical help. Radam however only scoffs at these remarks and continues to smear ketchup on his cheeks while shouting "YEEEHOW!!!".
Radam is a staunch believer of communism. He embraced a type of violent authoritarian socialism under Lusk during the viking age, and later switched to a more free variant of socialism when he returned to Republic space. After being hired by Stalin, Radam adopted his Stalinistic communism as his main ideology.
Radam, along with his close friend Lusk, suffers from what Soviet doctors call "Aryan genes". Occassionally he changes ideology to far-right national socialism and facism, seemingly unable to control himself. The Aryan genes are especially centered in the right arm, and makes the subject streach out their arm and " heil" uncontrollably. Despite this flaw in the perfect Soviet machinery, Radam usually comes to his senses in due time and calms down and Stalin has not even considered a liquidation for the greater good.
Powers and abilitiesEdit
- "When 900 years old you reach, look as good as me, you will not, hmm? Damn I look good."
- -Radam commenting on his good looks that he has managed to keep throughout the centuries
Radam has an unprecedented connection to the Force. His midi-chlorian count is off the charts, and estimated to be at least 4815162342. Radam bathes in the Light Side of the Force, restoring order and repairing fractures in the universe. His strong connection to the Force is believed to make him immortal, as he has lived for over a millennia and appears to have not aged a day over 18.
Mr. Smetenskij is a master of the art of liquidation, which he studied at the hands of Stalin himself.
While not fighting on the battlefront for Lusk, Stalin or himself, Radam often perfects his skills both at his home in Dronten but also takes training trips to places all over the universe.
Among other things, Radam has:
Studied regeneration with the Abyssins of Byss, trained the art of hunting with the Trandoshans of Trandosha, studied the strong codes of honor of the Mandalorians of Mandalore, learned about cleansing inner anger from the Cathar of Cathar, and studied meditation and feeling the Force from the Jedi Order of Coruscant, Tython and Ossus.
According to reliable sources, Radam once raged and banned two of his underlings from his personal dimension. It kind of looked like this.